Saturday, June 17, 2017

My 1st Air B n B

This story just keeps getting better and better. I decided to make it easier and because no one is wanted at the kids home. It is an equal rights issue!  I shall stay at a AirBNB. Upon arrival it was just purfect small, cozy and comfortable. Heather let me know NOT to go down the block and left because it is a bit seedy. Check Captain Jassem. So once settled I decided to take a quick little walk. The area that I am in I know well and love it.

It is Lake Merritt in Northern California. So once I got settled I decided to take a nice walk around the lake. Now I am familiar with the Lake so the walk would be a no brainier you would have thought.

But first a bit more on the accommodations.

So the little apartment is just enough for myself and the kids tomorrow coming to join me. Hank and Mrs. Hank. It has two cute little rooms. It is a old building and the integrity is fabulous. Something smells like skunk but that could be me!

One issue I have is there is no coffee pot who the hell has no coffee pot? And the other thing is the toilet paper is mounted close to the ceiling!

SO I put on my walking Jesus sandals and off I go on my adventure.I have walked the Lake before and the people watching is amazing. There is a bit of a wind but that will keep me cool. Got my Fitbit and a clear head ! Ahhh life is good.

Let us get started I will just do a bit of a mosey around the lake and feel the freedom and fresh air. I love Oaktown!

I do not think I could have picked a nicer day. Children screaming, beggar's beggin', geese a shittin'  and a vast array of suitcase musician's. 

Ah hello and hello and hello.Wait I have said Hello to 45 people they did not respond but why???? Duly Noted people are not as friendly as I thought. Could it be that funny skunk smell????

Ahhh never you mind it is a beautiful evening. So on I walk and walk and walk. A dollar here and there for the starving artist's.

Half way around I do stop at a bench to take in the whole moment! Oh look here comes a dogie with a Frisbee and what looks like a friendly owner. Why her hair matches her dog !

After less then 30 seconds of nice dog nice day she mumbles we gotta run don't wanna miss the game. The Game??? Did Football season start?

Ahh yes the Warrior's that explains how focused the walker etc are. Now I get it. (not) Now in my own defense if you do not already know me I am a very friendly person I love to talk and engage in conversation and it does not always have to be about me!

So off I go to continue this little walk. The Lake seemed so much bigger this time. Did it grow. The three miles around sure seemed like 5 about half way there.

As I approached a very quite, shady, windy and possible dangerous area I picked up the pace.  I heard the faint sound of birds and realized I had come to the bird sanctuary.

The trail started to get rather creepy and narrow. The lake seemed conveniently narrow and the little island just past my right shoulder seemed to have vultures on it. Shit RUN LANI RUN!

Don't look back !
At this point my walk became a walk run. By this time I had been out an hour and a half. My nose was cold, ear's ringing. And the faint sound of the Lock neck Monster walking behind me. Now at the time all this was going on I must have taken a wrong turn because I was not in an area I knew at all! On top of all that my cellular device was loosing battery life. Would I make it back to the room? I have my Id on me should my body be found tomorrow but then in the distance I saw a building with an American Flag!! Great I am still in the United States!

THANK GOD. WAIT A MINUTE! Where did the Lake go and why am I right next to a homeless camp by the river?????? The building what was the address ? Ok take a breath breathhhhh ----- breathhhhh . Did I make a left with out knowing it and end up on the seedy part of town. Where is my fu2@&&#*#(# Compass ???? Ok Stop Drop and Roll ! No that is for a fire! Ok there is the Lake follow the water .
Don't look at anyone just stay focused. Blue Building, blue building... OH MY GOD it that it??? Thank you Baby Jesus few more step's Lani and your in. The KEY where is the key?? Oh shit in my bra under the left boobie sack ! 
I'm in ! Now to relax and get good night's sleep!

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Diet's Really???

Diet that word should be categorized with all the cuss words. It is a joke word a word that gives you false hope. It is a word you start and inevitably fails. I talk for myself so don't get all uppity! I have been down the diet road in my life believe me. Now back in the day when I was young, beautiful, intelligent, sexy, saucy, funny, compassionate the list goes on and on.

That picture there to the left yes that is me on yet another diet that wanted me to take a picture. Shit first off my posture sucks. Next is that a sports bra or and old do it your elf sweat sash! And what am I looking at ???? And seriously the baseball cap backwards. Ok New Kid on the Block!!!  And last but not least who the Fock took my Ass!

And yes that is a phone jack for my "Land Line"

I will give you just a sample of the "diet's" I have attempted...

Low Fat
High Protein
Weight Watchers
Low Calorie
Cleanse 30-60 and 90 day
Juice Fasting
Go Green Diet
Low Carb Diet
The Morning Banana Diet (yes it exists)
The Bible Diet (Thank you Baby Jesus)
Gluten Free Diet

This list is endless you could actually search this blog for weight and so many post are about that shit!  I still have that same 13.5 15 20 pounds that I want so baldy to lose. Well to be honest when I first got married I got happy and made it up to 173 NO SHIT SHERLOCK! Let me find a picture somewhere possible..LOL

Now do not get me wrong when I focus on something it gets done! Eventually!

I am not going to bore you with the details of all the lost diet's of yester-year. Some won some lost but all in all the weight just kept comin' on back. I think the weigh felt the love. I am going to skip right into the present. Rather than keep saving all my size 5 7 ok ok 9 pants I might just embrace the Senior look of the elastic high waist-ed Mom Jeans. Or go to Lane Bryant and get some Elastic Capri's.

Gotta run and find a new diet to focus on!!!! Got Ya!!! 

Friday, February 17, 2017

Yaya's Plane Ride's

Ok this is going to be an ongoing story. I now fly up to Oaktown to take care of my little Bean. That would be Harper Lily my first human grandbaybay.Yes, that is her in the photo bald and barely able to know what the hell I am doing! Her face says it all.

"Who the F>>>> are you?"

My Bean will be mentioned in many post's but I so need to to talk about flying in the airplane to get up North. I am not a willing passenger but for the Bean I will do "most" anything. So every other week I fly to Oakland to babysit this little Bean. I fly Southwest and they are probably the easiest and most convenient airlines and the prices can not be beat.

So this is the most of the window view you will EVER see when I fly. Once I see the tires move and the tar-mack down it goes. So this trip was super special. OK I get on the plane snag my seat the last seat back of the plane inside seat so I have control over the window shade!!

This is important as once I had no choice but to sit in the middle and the window seat would not close the window. Plus I got the bonus speech of how beautiful it all is when flying. I did almost barf on his lap but just kept that despicable smile going. Asshole !!

So I get all comfy. Seat belt Check - Earphones Check - Word Search Check - Idiotic Kings Game Check - Locate Barf Bag. Now it is time for everyone to pay attention they are going to tell ME how to survive the crash. I even sit up a little as to not miss any instructions and make sure I know how to blow up the vest !!!!!

Ok and we are off. About 15 minutes into the flight Window man is suspiciously quite then there it is. "The Smell" What the Baby Jesus is that smell ??? Ok it is just a little gas Lani just relax it will dissipate! Oh Hell NO it goes on the whole flight. What can I do I am trapped dare I get up to go to the bathroom and we get into a situation and I do not have my yellow vest in case of a water evacuation!!!   My coffee ... OK yes I drink coffee on the plane it calms me!!!! Don't Judge people this is my story!!!

Now we have landed and I smell like a land fill but that's ok he will go on his merry way. Oh no it gets better he is smiling at this woman and she does a little wink and nod. Well comes to find out they are married. No shit and she knew better then to sit by her stinky ass husband. You think she might have warned the fellow passengers! They looked so happy as I walked away wilted from the whole experience!

Even little Harper was home praying for Yaya!


Sunday, November 20, 2016

Shhhh and Shhhhhh

I am one that does not need much sleep to get my day started. As a matter of fact I do not take nap's ! This is not because I can't why I am the first to say to anyone  "Ahhh go take a little nappy". The reasons for me not taking one is too fold.

A. When waking from a nap I am a Raving Bitch my bitchyness takes over any amount of PMS or any other negative quality we as women have been labeled with. Wake me during a nap and do not stand back just run the hell out of town!

B. When I lay down my little precious head to take a nappy it happens. The brain starts to work I will start to think of all the things I could be doing. I write letters to people I have not been in contact with in years why they may even be dead. I re-write the scrip of any argument I got in and make sure I say all the right thing's. It is not pretty my brain in action.

Thus no nappy for little Lani! BUT let us talk bed time ...... no not mine....nope not Pa YUP

My grown children, Let us start with the Alssems' That would be Heather Ann and Christopher. Now granted prior to Princess Harper Lily being born to us they went to bed at no later than 8pm and yes I thought this strange of a young hip Oaktown couple but it was what it was. Oh, please do not get me wrong they can and do go out with the best of them and have a good time. Now lets us come to the present day with Baby Harper Bean.


The Bean has always been from what information I have been given a good night sleeper. The parents have a routine. I only know of some of the secret routine not all the details. Anywho they start the "routine" at 6:30 sharp not 6:20 not 6:35...... 6:30pm Sharp! All I see is the three of them disappear up the stairwell POOF all three are gone. I hear laughter, singing daddy and mommy chatter to the wee one then a bit of grumpy Baby Bean then Silence !!!! Not a creature was stirring not even a mouse!

I am left down stair's with my favorite Netflix show on what ever is streaming at the time. No light's, limited volume I have gotten really good at TV Lip Reading! Once I was on the phone and all I saw for about 20 seconds was Christopher's head and SHHHH Wait it gets even better I was in the bathroom and of course was going Pee Pee and I flushed I came out of the bathroom and on me like a fly to shit was Mommy with "No Flushing" now I get it but she scared the rest of the shit out of me ! Well I am tired just writing this these kid's keep Yaya very busy and I love it! Who knew a year ago I would be back at work in Oaktown no less.

Ahh the memories of Babyhood I just love it.

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Seven Year Itchy

Downsizing is that word or a job? Heather Anne and her Hubby Christopher Robin seem to think it is. Now in all honestly Christopher does not say much but the face is telling it all. Ok ok so I do have to admit the 123 Starbucks coffee stoppers was a bit much but that was my Mommy's idea she thought we could make Christmas tree's out of them. Alright so she has been dead 3 years. No issues they are gone now. I laughed so hard I peed my pants.

Pa and I just went on our first vacation in 7 years. No shit we really took a good look at our lives and where we are headin'. I think we are going to flip a bitch and go in another direction starting in 2017 or so. So many of us wait until it is to late to make change and enjoy life while we still do not have to use a walker, life alert or just hope the kids come visit! Alright enough of that. Please have no worry we will live in the home we are in until we are very old. er

So vacation you say we went to Sacramento and Paradise here in California. in Paradise we had a mission to go see my Granma's grave and leave a bit of my daddy with her. I had not been back there since I was in the 10th grade at her funeral. I spent many a summer up there with her. She taught me how to sew and so many other great hobbies.

She is my canning queen from days gone by!

Oh and this part of the stpry is so koo-koo I wanted to go drive by my grandma's home I have so many great memories of things we did. Well Never I say never do that! I was so fricken excited turn left here honey righthere ok ok it is right there on the ....holy shit...... there in my Grandmother's yeard was the Family from Deliverance. yes no shit they had 4 teeth total for 6 people and they saw us cruze by slow and got up and headed toward us while the other kin' went for the home. Pa told me to loose the camera and lock the door's. Oh Honey it is not that bad let's go back by. He is such a gift that Hubby of mine! Back we go and there by the front gate is Ma and her son by her 3 cousin second removed staring at us

The area and the time away from home was a much needed escape.

We were able to have dinner with our cousin's in Davis. Now Davis there is another stranger than strange town. It is a college town and that is great but shit bike city. And trust me they have the right of way even when they don't. We left the restaurant after 9 and there were many a student and local alike that were how do you say Wasted.... Oh we drove 7 miles an hour avoiding bikers and drunk students and forgot to ask Cousin Carol how to get to the freeway. Good Times!

So when we got home which was the whole point of this story the kid's Heather and Christopher had a staycation at our home. That is when the conversation started with "You have a lot of "stuff" Mom!' They are of the Minimalist Generation have no more than you need. Good Concept but not in my reality!

And to be honest that is why moving is not an issue for me do you know how much shit I would have to sell. Because God as my witness I will not move all this stuff!

So Granpa and I have decided since we talked so much about what a great yard we have for grand-kids well will stay long enough to get Ponies and Chicken's oh me oh my!


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